Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail..........................................John Gottman
This is the popularized version of Gottman's "research based" conclusions about what it takes for couples to be "successful". Though his work in general is often praised for its "scientific" basis, he emphasizes some pretty common sense approaches--don't criticize or "stone wall"; do offer acknowledgment (at a "5 to 1" ratio over complaints).
How To Get The Love You Need..........................................Harville Hendricks
This book emphasizes how patterns formed in our family of origin play out in adult relationships. Indeed, this book insists on a particularly radical view of primary relationships as attempts to heal early childhood wounds. In any case, many psychological theories resonate with the basic theme of this book, though let it be noted that John Gottman, the author of the first book listed here, adamantly disagrees with Hendricks approach.
Passionate Marriage...............................................................David Schnarch
On the surface this book focuses on conflicts couples have over sexual issues and their struggle to regain a vibrant sex life. At some points it may read like soft porn, but the substance of the book teaches how critical it is for couples to "differentiate"--learn to allow our partners to have different opinions, tastes, etc. while maintaining a sense of connection and love. We might say that is the crucial skill for all couples whether about sex, money, in-laws, raising kids, etc.--and that is why I recommend this book; if you do read it, keep your eye on the ball--differentiation--more than on the sexual content which may or may not appeal to your particular predilections.
Tell Me No Lies....................................................Ellen Bader & Peter Pearson
This book isn't a complete guide by any means, but I do recommend it for the many valuable examples of alternative dialogues to the ones most couples use to make a mess of things. This book may grab your attention by using the word "lies" but the many examples here are, once again, better understood as difficulties in healthy differentiation.
In Quest Of The Mythical Mate........................Ellen Bader & Peter Pearson
Used as a textbook for professionals in training, this book may be of value to savvy readers (it is expensive). It attempts a theory of how couples move from one stage of relationship to another. Definitely not for the casual reader but, if you are passionately interested in the evolution of relationships, you may well be able to navigate through unnecessary theoretical points and glean something important for yourself.
Passage To Intimacy.....................................................................Lori H. Gordon
Spells out some practical strategies based on relatively informal research on hundreds of couples--quite accessible but possibly hard to get a copy. Many of these books go through a printing or two.
Conscious Loving:..................................................Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks The Journey to Co-Commitment
Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?.....Margaret & Jordan Paul
Not a great book but it certainly has value. Note that the title captures the basic dilemma of psychological growth: How to stay connected while maintaining a sense of autonomy.
Embracing Each Other:........................................Hal Stone & Sidra Winkelman
Relationship As Teacher, Healer & Guide
Related books helpful for handling conflicts in relationships:
How To Be An Adult: A Handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration .........................................................................................David Richo
The Gentle Art Of Verbal Self Defense.........................Suzette Haden Elgin
This book is NOT inspirational. For those who are willing to work with this book, it offers step by step learnable instructions for responding to attacks, pressuring comments, and manipulations without sinking to those levels. In effect, these are verbal "differentiation" skills, invaluable for successful relationships.
When I Say No I Feel Guilty........................................................Manuel Smith
I recommend skipping most of this book to get to the few tried and true chapters on the structure of what to say when you're under attack or feeling pressured by a partner. Again, there are no miracle instructions here and this book isn't aimed at couples, but the differentiating dialogue skills are much needed to navigate conflicts in relationships.
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