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The first series of books below specifically
address couples. However, below that is a list of other books
perhaps more pointedly spell out ways to handle conflicts.
Whether you're considering counseling or not, I heartedly
recommend taking advantage of what others have learned and the
increasing amount of scientific research on relationships.
Why
Marriages Succeed Or Fail....................................................John Gottman, PhD
This is
the popularized version of Gottman's "research based" conclusions about
what it takes for couples to be "successful". Though his work
in general is often praised for its "scientific" basis, he offers a few
surprises while emphasizing common sense approaches: complain
about specifics rather than globally criticize your spouse's
character; offering acknowledgment (at a "5 to 1" ratio over
complaints) is an shared activity shared by successful couples whether
they argue a lot or very little.
The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work...................John Gottman, PhD
This
book contains much of the same as Gottman's other books though very
condensed and very easy to read. As with the other Gottman books,
I recommend them more as the rice and beans of reading about
relationships. The Gottman group's research may not turn you on
with sexy insights you've never thought about but the weight of the
research can serve as baseline for good relationship hygiene, at least,
for all couples whose ego strength can turn over the reigns to
their common sense to deal with repetitive conflicts.
10 Lessons to Transform YOur Marriage...................John and Julie Gottman, PhD More
of the same from the Gottmans. I'll categorically believe these
books can't hurt you and may very well help you someday stop from
making a mess of things in a critical moment (when there just isn't a
clean sock available to get in you mouth).
How
To Get The Love You
Need....................................................Harville Hendricks
This book
emphasizes how patterns formed in our family of origin play out in
adult relationships. Indeed, this book insists on a
particularly radical view of primary relationships as attempts to heal
early childhood wounds. In any case, many psychological
theories resonate with the basic theme of this book, though let it be
noted that John Gottman, the author of the first book listed here,
adamantly disagrees with Hendricks approach.
Passionate
Marriage..............................................................................David
Schnarch
On the
surface this book focuses on conflicts couples have over sexual issues
and their struggle to regain a vibrant sex life. At some
points it may read like soft porn, but the substance of the book
teaches how critical it is for couples to "differentiate"--learn to
allow our partners to have different opinions, tastes, etc. while
maintaining a sense of connection and love. We might say that
is the crucial skill for all couples whether about sex, money, in-laws,
raising kids, etc.--and that is why I recommend this book; if you do
read it, keep your eye on the ball--differentiation--more than on the
sexual content which may or may not appeal to your particular
predilections.
After the Affair: Healing the aPain and Rebuilding Trust When A Partner Hass Been Unfaithful.........................................................Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD
This
book attempts (and succeeds to a significant degree) at meeting the
searing pain and devastation that typically come along with affairs.
Here you'll find how others navigated these waters; and you
may want to borrow some of Spring's practical guidance when you're so
crazy from the pain of it all you just can't think straight.
Tell
Me No Lies...................................................................Ellen
Bader & Peter Pearson
This book
isn't a complete guide by any means, but I do recommend it for the many
valuable examples of alternative dialogues to the ones most couples use
to make a mess of things. This book may grab your
attention by using the word "lies" but the many examples here are, once
again, better understood as difficulties in healthy differentiation.
In
Quest Of The Mythical Mate........................................Ellen
Bader & Peter Pearson
Used as a
textbook for professionals in training, this book may be of value to
savvy readers (it is expensive). It attempts a theory of how couples
move from one stage of relationship to another. Definitely
not for the casual reader but, if you are passionately interested in
the evolution of relationships, you may well be able to navigate
through unnecessary theoretical points and glean something important
for yourself.
Passage
To
Intimacy..............................................................................Lori
H. Gordon
Spells out
some practical strategies based on relatively informal research on
hundreds of couples--quite accessible but possibly hard to get a copy.
Many of these books go through a printing or two.
The Ship That Sailed Into the Living Room: Sex and Intimacy Reconsidered ...............................................................................................................Sonia Johnson
Sonia
Johnson's take on relationships (yes that's the ''ship' in the title)
told through the perpective of her own lesbian relationship and
applicable to everyone. I include this here not for it's modeling
of relationships but because, for an attentive reader, it's
central metaphor and concomitant stories implicitly entail the concept
of differentiation--a necessary and healthy alternative to the two
broadest mistakes we swing between in relationships--enmeshment and
expectation on the one hand to distancing, dissociation, and closing
the heart on the other.
How
To Be An Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys To Mindful Loving ..................................................................................................................David
Richo Don't
be put off by either the "how to" in the title or the reference to
adulthood. This book, though simply written, rings with truth.
It does begin with a rant on the wounds of childhood that most
will be familiar with but it doesn't land there. With a lot of
insight, practical wisdom, and love, this book throws responsibility
for a meaningful relationship life back to each individual person's
capacity to be aware and learn.
Conscious
Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment
...................................................................................................Gay and
Kathlyn Hendricks
Do
I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?............Margaret & Jordan
Paul
Not a
great book but it certainly has value. Note that the title
captures the basic dilemma of psychological growth: How to
stay connected while maintaining a sense of autonomy.
Embracing
Each Other: Relationship
As Teacher, Healer & Guide
.............................................................................................Hal Stone & Sidra
Winkelman
Related
books helpful for handling conflicts in relationships
For
people with problems maintaining self esteem or expressing anger (too
much or too
little) learning a repertoire of skills to handle interpersonal
conflicts is crucial. The following books, then, include at least
some
sections with examples of specific dialogues to navigate such
conflicts. I actually recommend these at least as much as books
specific to marriages or couples. As noted, I recommend reading
sections of these books selectively turning to the pages modeling out
what to say when you
feel attacked, slighted, ignored, etc. There are many similar
books, it won't be hard to find them.
When
I Say No I Feel
Guilty ...................................................................Manuel
Smith
Skip the cheerleading about how you deserve self esteem and page through to the few tried and true
chapters on easy reliable dialogue skills for what to say when you're under attack or
feeling pressured by a partner. Again, there are no miracle
instructions here and this book isn't aimed at couples per se, but the
differentiating dialogue skills are much needed to navigate conflicts
in relationships. There's a reason this self help book has stuck around for 35 years.
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy................................................David
Burns This is one of the all time best selling books on beating
depression by changing your thoughts. But just like quite a few
successful self help books there is inevitably chapter on specific
dialogue skills. I say go directly to that chapter entitled Verbal
Judo; his model for dialoguing is better than most, so these "techniques"
apply across many different contexts (home, work, etc.). Ironically
this chapter attests to the critical aspect of the interpersonal over
your own thought habits though the theory behind the book purports that
your depressive thoughts cause depression. Of course, much of
psychology emphasizes how interpersonal dynamics are internalized into
how we think about ourself and the world. It works the other way too.
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High ........................................................................Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler
If
nothing else, this book underscores that very, very successful people
keep learning how to navigate conflict at high level of priority.
Further, they don't just read one book or take one course on the
matter.
The Gentle Art Of Verbal Self
Defense.......................................Suzette Haden Elgin
This book
is NOT inspirational. For those who are willing to work with
this book, it offers step by step learnable instructions for
responding to verbal attacks, pressuring comments, and manipulations without
sinking to those levels. In effect, these are verbal
"differentiation" skills, invaluable for successful relationships.
How
To Be An Adult: A Handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration......................................................................................................David
Richo
This is book doesn't emphasize dialogues. I'm including it because
despite the clunky title, the message isn't preachy. It's is
refreshing and simple enough for many people to accept.
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